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The Primate Awards
2024-03-25 / BJB

The Primate Awards

Humans, often too focused on themselves, tend to neglect their primate family members, including the Great Apes and other primates. However, there are 423 primate species that deserve recognition and attention.
To shed light on our forgotten relatives, the first annual Primate Awards will be held. Winners will receive prizes based on their dietary preferences, either a bunch of bananas or a grasshopper.

The Primate Awards

Most Theatrical Primate

Winner: The Sifaka

The Sifaka’s dramatic performances continue, oblivious to the lack of a real audience or stage.

Primate in the Most Despair

Winner: The Colobus

The Colobus wins this award, perpetually in a state of despair, unaffected by the recognition.

Primate Who Would Be Most Shocked If You Gave Them a Mirror

Winner: The Mandrill

The Mandrill’s perception of itself clashes with reality, convinced of its normalcy despite clown-like appearances.

Primate With the Most Vacation Days

Winner: The Japanese Macaque

The Japanese Macaques have mastered the art of relaxation, often found lounging in hot tubs.

Primate That Could Kind of Pass for an Unattractive, Dumb, Weird-Acting Human

Winner: The Bonobo

With their human-like behaviors, Bonobos almost resemble humans, as seen in their casual marshmallow-roasting sessions.

Primate That Would Look Normal Except One Ridiculous Feature Ruins Everything

Joint Winners: The Proboscis Monkey and The Uakari
The Proboscis Monkey appears ordinary until its distinctive nose is revealed.

The Uakari’s unusual head stands out, resembling a goblin, making it appear abnormal.

Sassiest Primate

Winner: The Baby Orangutan

The Baby Orangutan’s cheeky attitude earns it the title of the sassiest primate.

Primate You’d Want Around Your Daughter the Least

Winner: The Patas Monkey

The Patas Monkey’s unsettling appearance deems it the primate least desired near daughters, shrouded in an aura of mystery.

Most Appalled Primate

Winner: The Indri

The Indri’s perpetual shock at the world’s state cements its position as the most appalled primate.

Most Artistically Tortured Primate

Winner: The Cotton-Top Tamarin

The Cotton-Top Tamarin’s musical prowess goes unnoticed, unveiling its artistic torment.

Primate With the Most Excessive Face

Winner: The Alpha Male Orangutan

The Alpha Male Orangutan’s oversized face, a consequence of mating preferences, secures its victory.

Biggest Disaster of a Primate

Winner: This Particular Alpha Male Orangutan

This specific Alpha Male Orangutan, a double awardee, symbolizes chaos and misfortune.

Most Cartoon-Like Primate

Winner: The Tarsier

The Tarsier’s quirky appearance and behaviors earn it the title of the most cartoon-like primate.

Mafia Boss of the Primates

Surprisingly not the gorilla, but the true mafia boss is revealed to be…

Winner: The Ring-Tailed Lemur

Most Awkward Color Difference Between Parent and Child

Winner: The Silver Langur

The Silver Langur, with its peculiar color variations between generations, stands out within the primate family.

Primate Most Identical to Meryl Streep

Winner: The Lesula Monkey

Researchers were amazed by the Lesula Monkey’s uncanny resemblance to Meryl Streep.

Primate Most Identical to Michael Jackson

Winner: The Snub-Nosed Monkey
Quite a resemblance, don’t you think?

Primate Most Identical to George W. Bush

Winner: The Macaque

Let’s move on…

Most Embarrassing Primate

Winner: The White-Faced Saki

The White-Faced Saki’s appearance and actions make it the most embarrassing primate among its relatives.

Best Disney Movie Bad Guy Primate

Winner: The Gelada

The Gelada, reminiscent of a classic villain, reigns as the best Disney movie bad guy primate.

Primate Most Going Through a Terrible Struggle that No One Else Understands

Winner: The Aye-Aye

The Aye-Aye seems to be grappling with a mysterious struggle, making it an enigmatic primate best left undisturbed.


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