This is Part 2. Part 1 is here.

Often, the secret to achieving something big is to break it down into small parts and concentrate on succeeding at one part at a time.

When we talked about procrastination, we discussed how a significant accomplishment is essentially a series of ordinary tasks from a distance. Looking closely at human life, it often appears to be just like any regular Wednesday, repeatedly, and finding happiness in life is all about learning to be content on a typical weekday.

I believe the same principle can be applied to marriage.

From a distance, a happy marriage resembles a grand love story, akin to a tale from a book or movie. This perspective offers a romantic view of marriage as a whole.

However, human happiness operates in small, everyday moments because we live in the ordinary details of life, where our happiness truly resides.

Hence, if we aim for a joyful marriage, we must focus on the minutiae – observing marriage up close reveals that it’s not based on poetic gestures but on 20,000 routine Wednesdays.

Marriage isn’t the extravagant honeymoon in a luxurious destination – it’s the everyday vacation #56 that you take together. It’s not about the excitement of purchasing your first house – it’s about having dinner in that house for the 4,386th time. And it’s definitely not about Valentine’s Day.

Marriage is all about Forgettable Wednesday, together.

So, the romantic gestures and passionate moments are up to you – you can figure those out. Meanwhile, this article focuses on enhancing the happiness of Forgettable Wednesday.

To spend 20,000 days with someone and do so joyfully, three essential components are vital:

1) A Remarkable Friendship

I genuinely enjoy spending time with most of my friends – that’s why they are my friends. Yet, with specific friends, the quality of time spent together is so high that it surpasses all others. This remarkable connection passes the Traffic Test.

The Traffic Test is cleared when after spending time with someone, while one person is driving the other home, both wish for traffic because they are enjoying each other’s company so much.

Clearing the Traffic Test signifies a deep engagement, vitality, and a complete absence of boredom in the interaction.

In my opinion, nothing is more crucial in choosing a life partner than finding someone who passes the Traffic Test. When you have people in your life who meet this criterion, it would be regrettable to spend the majority of your life with someone who doesn’t.

A Traffic Test-passing friendship encompasses:

• A shared sense of humor. Fake laughter for fifty years is not desirable.
• Enjoyment and the ability to find fun in dull situations such as waiting at the airport, enduring long drives, or doing errands. Studies indicate that the enjoyment level a couple experiences is a robust predictor of their future.⁶
• Mutual respect for each other’s intellect and thinking processes. A life partner also serves as a career and life counselor; not respecting their intellectual stance may lead to a lack of interest in sharing work-related thoughts and other intriguing ideas that occur daily.
• A decent number of mutual interests, activities, and preferred company. Otherwise, much of what defines your individuality will diminish, and you may struggle to find enjoyable weekend activities with your life partner.

A friendship that meets the Traffic Test evolves and matures over time, offering endless opportunities for deepening and enrichment.

2) A Sense of Belonging

Imagine being asked to sit in a chair for 12 continuous hours without moving – your immediate thought would be to get into the most comfortable position to avoid discomfort turning into pain and eventually, torment. In the context of marriage, enduring prolonged “discomfort” with your partner can lead to enduring unhappiness, particularly as time passes.

Feeling “at home” equates to being secure, cozy, authentic, and completely yourself. To attain this connection with a partner, certain aspects need to be in place:

• Trust and security. Keeping secrets can poison a relationship by creating a barrier within it. Secrets breed solitude within the relationship, leaving both parties somewhat isolated and apprehensive about concealing truths. Entering an affair in an otherwise stable marriage is one of the most self-defeating actions one could take.
• Natural chemistry. Interactions should flow effortlessly, energy levels should match, and there should be a natural, harmonious connection. A divergent wavelength during interactions can quickly become exhausting.
• Acceptance of imperfections. Recognize that both you and your partner are flawed. Embracing these flaws is vital to a successful partnership, ensuring that criticism and reprimands for being human don’t dominate the relationship. Improvement efforts are welcomed, but within a partnership, the ideal approach is acknowledging and accepting each other’s flaws as part of the package you chose.
• A generally positive atmosphere. This is your environment now and for eternity. Perpetual negativity is unacceptable and unsustainable. Research by relationship expert John Gottman suggests that couples with fewer than five positive interactions for each negative one are at risk of divorce.⁷

3) Commitment to Mastering Marriage

Building and sustaining relationships is challenging. Expecting a strong partnership without investing effort is akin to anticipating a successful career without diligence. In today’s world where individuals can pursue personal freedom to chart their own course in life, suddenly becoming part of something and relinquishing certain self-centered tendencies can be understandably difficult.

So, what skills are necessary to excel in marriage?

• Effective communication. Communication’s importance may seem obvious, much like the necessity of oxygen for health. Poor communication often leads to the downfall of countless relationships – in a study on divorcees, communication style topped the list of aspects they wished to change in future relationships.⁸ Successful partners often establish pre-planned communication strategies or seek couples’ therapy to ensure a consistent flow of communication.
• Maintaining equality. Relationships can quickly slip into an unequal power dynamic. When one person consistently dictates the mood or decisions, or mistreats the other, creating an uneven balance, significant problems arise.
• Conflict resolution. Disagreements are inevitable. However, the manner in which conflicts are handled determines their impact. Skilled couples manage tensions by diffusing situations, employing humor, genuinely listening to each other, and refraining from turning discussions negative, personal, or defensive. According to John Gottman, 69% of a couple’s typical arguments are based on fundamental differences and are perpetual, unable to be resolved. A proficient couple understands this and avoids engaging in repeated futile conflicts.⁹

While pursuing a life partner or evaluating an existing relationship, remember that every relationship will have flaws, and achieving perfection in all the aforementioned areas may be unrealistic. Strive to excel in most of these aspects, as they play a significant role in your lifelong contentment. Given the challenging nature of this goal, it’s sensible not to add unnecessary checkboxes that have minimal impact on the happiness of your four-thousandth dinner together. It’s delightful if he plays the guitar, but it’s not a critical must-have.

Regardless of your Valentine’s Day celebrations this year, always remember that Forgettable Wednesday holds greater importance.

If you enjoyed this, check out these articles:

Taming the Mammoth: Why You Should Stop Caring What Other People Think

10 Types of Odd Friendships You’re Probably Part Of

10 Types of 30-Year-Old Single Guys

Life is a Picture, But You Live in a Pixel

Sources

The content of this article is sourced from extensive research, combining scientific findings, expert opinions, personal experiences, observations, and interviews with friends and family. Special acknowledgment to Eric Barker and his blog, Barking Up the Wrong Tree, which served as a valuable resource for this post.

1. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/10090130/Marriage-makes-people-happier-than-six-figure-salaries-and-religion.html
2. “Marital Status is Misunderstood in Happiness Models” from Deakin University, Faculty of Business and Law, School of Accounting, Economics and Finance; Economics Series Paper # 2010_03.
3. http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2012/08/08/most-young-adults-expect-marriage-for-life-study/
4. “Sex differences in mate preferences revisited: Do people know what they initially desire in a romantic partner?” from Journal of Personality and Social Psychology by Eastwick, Paul W.; Finkel, Eli J.
5. “Can Anyone Be “The” One? Evidence on Mate Selection from Speed Dating” from IZA Discussion Papers, number 2377.
6. http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2013/10/recipe-for-a-happy-marriage-2/
7. http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/12/is-5-to-1-the-golden-ratio-for-both-work-and/
8. Terri Orbuch,Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship
9. John Gottman, The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy
10. Dan Wile, After the Honeymoon: How Conflict Can Improve Your Relationship
11. Dolan, P., Peasgood, T., & White, M. (2008). Do we really know what makes us happy? A review of the economic literature on the factors associated with subjective well-being. Journal of Economic Psychology, 29, 94–122.

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About Tim Urban

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